Things Dave thinks Are Funny

I've collected these from various sources. In most cases, I don't know the original source (sorry). Some of them are more than one line long, but you'll get over it.

Mr. Cole's Axiom

The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?

A: Because it was on the other side.

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

--Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?

Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.

I have learned
To spell hors d'oeuvres
Which still grates on
Some people's n'oeuvres

                -- Warren Knox

When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
Wretched, bored, dejected; only
Here's the rub, my darling dear
I feel the same when you are near.

             -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"

Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?

There were in this country two very large monopolies.

The larger of the two had the following record:

The second was responsible for such things as:

Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the telephone business?

This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.

I hate quotations.

                -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.

              -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star

A new koan:

If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.

It is an ice cream koan.

Down with categorical imperative!

Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.

Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-null bottles of beer.
You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.

Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.

            -- Alan McKay

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it.

Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:

  1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
  2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

Newlan's Truism:

An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

         -- Frank Lloyd Wright

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

         -- Abraham Lincoln

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

         -- Lily Tomlin

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

         -- Mark Twain

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

         -- Mark Twain

Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's within walking distance.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

         -- Wernher von Braun

It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?

         -- Alan Perlis

What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.

Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.

Seminars, n.:
From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target.

How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.

Every successful person has had failures, but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.

It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong that forgiveness for being right.

"Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?"
"It's simple,'ve seen what food processors do to food, right?"

           -- MacNelley, "Shoe"

First Law of Procrastination:

Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).

If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.

Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:

The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time, and the last 10% takes the other 90%.

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly equivalent to herding cats.

     -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985

God is real, unless declared integer.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Brain, n.:
The apparatus with which we think that we think.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today --
I think he's from the CIA.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

The following is a promotional spot heard on a college radio station:

"Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh--which is all the time, since I'm omnipresent--I listen to all the radio stations at once, including WRCT.

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

go to Dave's home page

send email to Dave